Our voice is our primary means of communication. Be it the varying tones and patterns of our speech, hand movements, or personal nuances, we each use it as a form of self expression.
However, meditation calls for us to draw on the silence to consciously choose where we would like to focus our awareness. Ironically this is in complete opposition of how we are taught to thrive in the midst of distractions.
The Irony of the Silence
From the busy cities where horns, sirens, construction, and voluminous voices are common place, to the seemly disruptive inner self talk, we are all taught as a collective to thrive in spite of any distractions that may compete for our attention. In many ways this has taught us to fear the silence.
A Subtle Conditioned Fear
So much of our lives are spent immersing ourselves into the unpredictability of distractions, that simply entertaining the possibility of withdrawing from it to sit alone in the silence, can erupt feelings of dis-ease, that can leave us feeling bound with fear. Personally, I was petrified.
Practically at any given moment, my thoughts were liable to erupt into a downward spiral of negativity, and worst case scenarios. Not to mention the significant role that distractions plays in influencing, and shaping, the nature of out thoughts.
Ironically the more you relinquish your power to the mercy of distractions, the less time you have to get entangled in its convoluted web of fear. Therefore, I was less apt to surrender to designate even a few short minutes to the practice of sitting in the silence.
A Unlikely Return to Old Habitual Patterns
I was however, consciously willing to find alternate practices that didn’t call for me to face my fears of the silence invoking something that could potentially trigger me to re-live some distant unpleasantry. So I relented, abandoning all attempts to push through, and just like that I went back to business as usual.
Initially it felt as if I had never missed a beat. This played out for a number of weeks. Pretty soon weeks, turned into months, and I soon found myself back at the exact same spot that I had been so many times before. I tried every avenue I could possibly find to avoid the inevitable, to no avail.
Despite my best efforts to find an alternative, sitting in the silence was a basic essential across all modalities, practices, and traditions. Needless to say there was absolutely no way around it, so I relented, and surrendered to the very practice that erupted such feelings of apprehension, doubt, and fear.
Journeying to Begin Again
Yet again, I had allowed fear to dictate my growth and expansion. Disappointed, and frustrated, from abandoning the very practice that promised to grant me the space and to liberate myself from the stressful demands of distractions. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I absolutely had to get off of this ride, and stop going around and around in circles, repeating the same missteps.
It quickly became apparent that I obviously could not avoid the silence. Therefore, I was finally willing, and ready, to lean into a practice that allowed me to prioritize myself on a daily basis, not just when it was easy.
No matter how much mindfulness and meditation threatened to change and uproot my life, I was hell bent on leaning in to the practices that promised to support me to expand, and release any habitual patterns.
Venturing into the Unknown
In traditional me fashion the very thought of sitting alone in silence for any length of time beyond a few short minutes, was intimidating. Practically every time I attempted to mentally ready myself, I was immediately filled with a sense of dis-ease, and hesitancy. My mind was racing at the mere thought of all that lay ahead.
Up until this point, the only visuals, I had to reference were vague tranquil imagery of individuals sitting in lotus posture, hands meticulously positioned, with thumbs and forefingers ever so delicately placed into distinct mudras. Everything about these images implied that one had to mirror this imagery to capture the true essence of practice.
Although it is well established that the media meticulously curates ideal imagery of how things are supposes to look, I initially couldn’t see a path forward where I could fit it. Therefore, I couldn’t envision myself living up to these unrealistic expectations, at least not without years of facilitated instruction and practice. Up until this point in my life, nothing physically or mentally prepared me for this. Therefore, I couldn’t relate.
Journeying into the Silence with Apprehension
Its enough to sit firmly on the floor with little to no support, with legs crossed for an nonspecific amount of time, let alone assuming the complex lotus position. The very thought of contorting my body into such advanced postures filled me with an impending fear of the crippling leg cramps and discomforts that threatened to ensue. Lets not even get started with the complex task of being forced to observe and face my thoughts head on in the silence.
Within moments of siting in the silence, my thoughts would instantaneously proceed to go off on a tangent, rapidly plotting out every possible worst-case-scenario that could potentially unfurl me into the unknown. Just as soon as I would attempt to think myself out of one question three more would rush in.
The Looming Questions
Above all there were several questions that loomed, one after another, as they rapidly swirled across my awareness, catapulting my attention to the prevailing fact that I had considerably more questions than answers. Of which it ranged anywhere from:
Why does my mind race anytime I attempt to sit in silence? What am supposed to be doing? How can beauty possibly exist in a space with no sound or stimulation? How is it possible to sit in silence and not get carried away in the swirl of my thoughts?
to the most predominant being WTF did I get myself into. This somewhat rhetorical question constantly echoed throughout my being, as I invested countless amounts of time and energy into finding my footing within the mindfulness and meditation space.
Just as soon as I would attempt to think myself out of one question three more would emerge. Being that I was practically a virgin to meditation, I didn’t have the slightest clue of what I was getting myself into. I simply relied on the assumption that like with most things, there had to be a right and wrong way to go about this process, so I for one didn’t want to muck it up.
This raised a very interesting question that literally stopped me in my tracks, How to go about meditating in the silence if I have no idea what its supposed to feel like? This very question proved that I was completely in over my head. However, I was no longer going to allow fear to restrict me from living life to the fullest.
Was I alone in this journey, or did others share the same sentiments. Although I was no where near having even a small portion of answers to the questions I was seeking, knew at the core of my being, that I was more than likely making it harder for myself than it had to be. Above all, I was confident that there was a better way, and I was determined to find it.
Being that I was practically a meditation virgin, I hadn’t the slightest clue of what I was venturing into. All I knew was that there had to be a right and a wrong way to do it, and I absolutely didn’t want to muck it up, so I did what I do best, researched it.
So much so, I cant even begin to account for the number of apps, books, and posts, I referenced for some sort of supportive guidance and assistance. Despite my many efforts, it was to no avail, as I continued to feel completely disconnected from what I envisioned the practice would look, and feel like. Yet again, I was left with the impression that this modality was not meant for my demographic.
Discovering the Beauty of the Silence
There’s beauty in the silence, as it provides a space that allows us to go within to disconnect from any distractions. Only there are some unspoken norms. Despite our highest intent, inner thoughts and external noises threaten to derail our attempts at mindfulness and meditation practice. However, consistency is key to learning to sit in the silence, and suspend judgement as you observe your thoughts as they flow into your awareness. The nature of your thoughts are influenced by all that you consume including the various foods, content, and media. You are not your thoughts. Therefore, you do not have to fall victim to the nature and frequency of your thoughts.
Initially I was only able to designate a few short minutes to the practice. With practice and consistency, I was soon able to increase it from two to five, ten, and finally as much as thirty minutes. Never could I have imagined that I could find peace in the midst of my inner thoughts.
The beauty of the silence lies within the expansive space which allows me to unapologetically be my authentic self just as I am, with no conscious effort, striving, or doing. Much like most things, this state isn’t always achieved in every session. However, it is the practice of grace, and non-judgement, and beginning again, that allows you to refocus my awareness anytime distractions threaten to steal my awareness.
If this resonates, and you can identify with the challenges that abound with sitting in the silence. Like, Comment, and Share. Start the conversation.