For as long as I can remember I’ve had this inner struggle in which I would force myself to do things out of sheer obligation. There is just something about committing to do things that you don’t want to do, simply because you believe that it is something that you should do, that makes me feel uneasy.
I recoil at the very thought of doing the very things that I did not want to do. In many ways it feels as if the burden of obligation is far too uncomfortable to bear. This is primarily because we are taught to be more mindful and attentive, to how we are outwardly perceived by others, than how we feel.
Not only are we conditioned to and live up to external demands, we are made to feel guilty about prioritizing our needs above others. This is especially prevalent within the BIPOC community, we historically had and continue to have to be extremly conscientious of how we are interacting and being perceived by others outside of the community. This practice often extends into all interactions.
Regardless of its good intent, it often made me feel a degree of fear, guilt, shame, and anxiety at the very thought of honoring my well-being by saying “no.”
“No is a complete sentence.”
—Anne Lamont
In many ways this short two letter word has evolved into a form of profanity. In my mind, freely using no, meant that I was selfishly placing my needs ahead of the expectations that others had of me. This would frequently lead me to misuse my imagination by playing out the absolute worst case scenario that would occur as a consequence, further cultivating feelings of fear, guilt, and shame.
Not only would I force myself to endure this self-inflicted torture, but I would put this story line on repeat, replaying in my head anytime I felt myself inching closer to honoring myself.
In many ways it felt as if I was on a ride that never ended. Endlessly going in circles repeating the same narrative in my head. Over time I grew weary, and was ready to find an alternative that honored my health and well-being.
I just knew there had to be a better way, I just need to find a way to peel away the uneasy feelings that came with it.
“It is necessary, and even vital to set standards for your life and the people you allow in it.”
—Mandy Hale
The more I began to delve into to mindfulness, it soon began to click, that the best thing that I could it is ok to say No is a form of self care.
Boundaries are an essential practice that helps us to protect our energetic space. Our inner wisdom guides us to create, maintain, honor our energetic space.
We are guided by an intuitive knowing that is not well understood, however we owe to to ourselves to trust that feeling. We don’t necessarily have to intellectualize or rationalize it to understand, we simply need increase our awareness around its presence without attempting to suppress it.
“No one will listen to us until we listen to ourselves.”
—Marianne Williamson
The older I get, the easier it becomes to simply listen to that inner knowing without trying to rationalize it. Even though it has increasingly become easier, it doesn’t mean that the feelings of guilt, shame, or anxiety suddenly stop.
Mindfulness practice provides a space that allows to increase your awareness of what you are experiencing within the present moment. Tuning into your senses, and feelings, empowers you with the power of choice to respond in way that resonates with your inner wisdom.
Truth is, mindfulness is not a magical solution. Just as the name implies it is a practice, that must be done with a degree of consistency. Frequency forms self-care habits that equip you with power of choice to selectively choice how you want to use your awareness to respond when challenges arise, in spite any uncomfortable feelings that solicit you to react from a place of fear. Here are 4 ways to support you to access the power of no.
“Compassionate people ask for what they need. They say no when they need to, and when they say yes they mean it. They’re compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment.”
—Brene Brown
4 Ways to Access the Power of No as a Form of Self-care
1. Allow yourself space to pause
The moment you feel yourself leaning towards make a commitment out of obligation, when your body says otherwise, pause and take a few cleansing breaths. The breath pulls your awareness away from the past, or anticipated future, back to the present moment. It allows you to tune-in to your body and your senses. This provides you with the space to shift your awareness to your breath and body, which resides within the present.
2. Tune-in to your Senses
Our bodies serve as an energetic compass to guide us through our interactions. We simply need to allow the space for us to tune-in to our senses to experience what we are feeling without suppressing, or repressing it. Regardless of how uncomfortable it may make us feel, we need to allow ourselves to observe and experience it.
3. Release Judgement
When uncomfortable feelings and/or sensations arise, release any judgement. observe what arises without judging it as good or bad. Withholding judgement is a practice that gives yourself permission to release the tendency to internalize what you observe. In other words, don’t take it personally, just observe it as it arises.
4. Consistency is key
There are going to be instances in which you will not always be able to disconnect from doing all obligations. Use decrement, as the key is to allow yourself to observe the feelings that arise without reacting. Taking the time to pause, breathe, and observe all that you are experiencing within your body and senses, enables you to respond vs react. This is a sustainable self-care practice that honors your health and well-being.
Call to Action
If this resonates with you, I would love to hear from you in the comments below. I invite you to start the conversation by responding to the below prompt.
In what ways are you using the power of No to protect your space?