Mindfulness: Expectations Vs Intentions
4 Ways to Shift from The Pitfalls of Expectancy Into The Freedom of Intentions
We have all at some point or another have gotten caught up in the downward spiral, of disappointment that arises when others don’t quite live up to our expectations. It often plagues us with feelings of emotional pain, heartache, and dejection, when others don’t comply with what we believe they should do.
I would like to invite you to journey we me through this post, as we explore four ways in which we can use mindfulness to release our happiness from the captive bonds of our unmet expectations.
”What a tangled web we weave, when we allow our happiness to be contingent upon others satisfying our expectations. "
-Sonja Crandon
Words Left Unspoken
We often hold our happiness captive, to the whims of others complying with our unspoken desires. How many times have you experienced a situation were your joy was contingent upon someone else miraculously reading your mind to decipher exactly what you desired of them?
Perhaps you were in a long-term relationship where you believed your spouse should easily recognize and meet your needs at any given point in time? Or, maybe you were a loyal, dedicated employee who quickly established yourself as a leader. Your manager should have been cognizant of your efforts and rewarded you with a promotion, alas your desire fell on deaf ears as he has yet to remotely notice your efforts.
This is but a snippet of the countless ways in which expectation can unconsciously weave itself into our experience, subjecting us to the perils of emotional pain, and discomfort. These examples are near and dear to my heart, as the last one specifically takes me down memory lane as it reminds me of an early time in my career, where broken promises led me down a downward spiral of disappointment, which quickly lead to heartache, distrust, and regret.
We have all mentally envisioned a world where everything would effortlessly work in our favor as long as select individuals conformed, and took action accordingly. Only, fantasy isn’t reality, as this notion is but a figment of our imagination. We are all unique individualized expressions of the Divine. Meaning that no two people are the same. We cannot expect for anyone outside of ourselves to fall in line, and comply with what we believe that they should do to align with our wishes. Therefore, expecting others to intuitively align, is a farce. We’re all well familiar with the thoughts that tend to arise when we desperately get caught up in the pitfalls of expectation.
We have all vowed at some point or another, to refrain from subjecting ourselves to the perils disappointment that comes from expectionIt is a largely accepted fact that growth begins outside of our comfort zone. However, disappointment and emotional pain permeates the space that lies between what we desired and our unmet expectations.
In one way or another, we have all allowed ourselves to get caught up in the perils of expectation, which are often riddled with disappointment. Our unconscious expectations are shaped by our mental projections of how we believe something should work out in the future. Unbeknownst to us, we are often unaware of how we unconsciously plot-out how each minute detail, will unfold, down to very look, feel, and emotion, we intend to experience as a result. Consequently, anytime others don’t willfully comply with our request, we are left to sort through the pitfalls of expectancy and disappointment.
Hindsight is 20/20
Being that I was still a relatively new graduate, I was eager to seize any opportunity that promised to advance my career so early in the game. Just under two years outside of college, I was surprisingly presented with an opportunity for a potential promotion. Within minutes, feelings of excitement, and enthusiasm, filled my being.
From the preceding moments through the days and weeks that followed, I was full to over flowing with so much joy, I practically couldn’t contain myself. So much so, I proceeded to plot my next move, planting seeds of expectancy into the notion that my manager would in fact, live up to her end of the bargain, and fulfill her promise. I subsequently on the notion that if I did my part. The more vividly my manager described the path forward, the more I was willing to commit to all that lay ahead.
Being that I now had my proverbial marching orders, I set out to complete the relatively long list of additional tasks, and responsibilities, that extended well beyond my current role. Everything within me wanted this to come to fruition. As I hinged all my hopes, aspirations, and contentment, on her staying true to her word, I proverbially placed all of my eggs in one basket.
In other words, I believed with every fiber of my being that she would undoubtedly adhere to her word. After all your word is your bond. At least that’s what my naïveté lead me to believe. In hindsight, (over twenty years later) the very fact that I remained steadfast to this belief is absolutely ridiculous.
Assuming that everything played out exactly as I imagined, I was set to receive a significant promotion. Needless to say, I was all in and then some. Over the course of the next year, I proceeded to practically work myself to the bone. Doing everything I possibly could to be a team player, all the while functioning above and beyond my role. I was beyond exhausted. Surely, with all the time, energy, and effort, things should surly work out in my favor. At least that’s what I hoped.
A Renewed Perspective
As the newness of the position and role wore off I began to see more inconsistencies, drama, favoritism and the like. My foresight which was once clouded my youth, and naiveté soon progressively began to clear. Gradually my vision extended beyond my belief, giving way to insight which soon paved the way for disappointment, and doubt to emerge.
As the days turned into weeks, and subsequently months, I began to see similarities, as I listened to co-workers recant similar tales of disappointment, and broken promises. Just like that, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was highly unlikely, that a promotion was on the horizon.
At this point the probability that things would come even a millimeter close to resembling what I envisioned, was likely a pipe dream. As my yearly performance evaluation rolled around, my intuition proved right, as she presented every possible reason why a promotion was impossible. From funding, budget, and fluid requirements, it was clear that her promise was but a series of hollow words without meaning. In all, I felt hoodwinked, and bamboozled, that I was was consciously mislead. Like most, I adapted.
Unbeknownst to me this was all a mirrored reflection of what happens in most positions. However it was shockingly eye opening nonetheless. This experience also helped to lay the foundation that we cannot root our happiness in the expectancy of someone else actualizing our beliefs. Joy and happiness are are sourced from within, as they are rooted in the present moment and not in future expectancy.
4 Ways to use Mindfulness to Release Expectancy
Setting intentions, frees us to co-create with the universe by tapping into the innumerable possibilities that abound beyond our limited perspective. Much like my early experience with career disappointment, we our perspectives are limited to the lense of our experience. Co-creating with the universe predisposes us to experience the unlimited good that extends the expanse of the universe.
1. Hone Your Awareness
It is easy to get caught up in the expectancy of what we believe others should do. The key is to use mindfulness to hone your awareness of where you are placing our attention at any given moment. This equips you with the foresight to function as an objective observer.
2. Objectively Observe Your Experience
Consciously observing where you are directing our energy, provides you with the foresight into where you may unconsciously be directing your attention.
3. Release Any Judgement
Releasing judgement provides us with the spaciousness to observe without guilt, blame, or shame. Mindful awareness frees us to observe whatever may have unconsciously slid past our awareness.
4. Set Your Intentions
Rooting your desires in intention, empowers you to shift from expectancy to intention. Releasing expectancy frees you from the pitfalls of disappointment, which can quickly shift into a downward spiral of emotional pain, and heartache. Whereas, setting intentions grants you the spaciousness to freely co-create with the expanse of the universe. Co-creating with the universe grants you access to the infinite possibilities that exist beyond your limited perspective.