Mindfulness Demystified: The Art of Surrender
A 4-step guide to using the Practice of Surrender to Release Control
Sometimes life comes at you nice and quick, bringing joy and ease in a way that fills you with gratitude and appreciation. Other times it comes at you full throttle, with obstacles, challenges, and all manner of difficulties, making it that much harder to surrender and relinquish any felt sense of control.
Mindfulness practice calls us to release what no longer serves, and surrender to what’s seeking to express through us. However, very little emphasis is focused on what it means to surrender.
If this resonates in the least bit, you are not alone. This post will delve into 4-steps to support you in leaning into the practice of surrender.
The Illusion of Control
There’s the widely held notion that the more control one has over one’s life, the less likely you are to encounter surprises. Only life doesn’t quite work that way, as the persistent flow of life is ever-evolving, changing, and unfolding in ways beyond human understanding. What may appear as devastating situations and circumstances at the moment could later prove to be one of the best things ever.
Likewise, the depth of our view of what will unfold in our lives from one moment to the next is often so narrow that contracting, in the face of looming change, could potentially close us off from being available for opportunities to expand beyond our current viewpoint.
As I reflect on my life and the life of others, I can recall times when it seemed as if the very desires of my heart were but a distant pipe dream. Only for timing and synchronicity to unfold in a way that set the pace for things to grow beautifully in ways beyond my comprehension.
This is specifically reminiscent of when I was a fresh new graduate right out of college; being a nursing major, one of the cardinal things on my to-do list was to take and pass the state licensure exam (aka NCLEX). For all intense and purposes, I had done all I could, studying relentlessly and taking all manner of self-paced review courses and in-person exam preparation sessions. To my delight, I took and passed the exam; and with one preverbal box checked off, I was on my way to one of the most critical tasks, finding a job to start my career path. As with most things that come with youth, there is much to consider when selecting a position.
What started as a comprehensive search quickly became more laser focused on the field of clinical research search. Only this particular program was highly selective. So I leaned into what had been my go-to so many times before; I applied, all the while setting my intentions and hoping for the best. However, my mind almost immediately began reverting to the worst-case scenario, as I began to proverbially spiral down the rabbit hole of all the things that could happen if things did not work out in my favor. All the while, I waited to hear whether or not I was selected to advance to the next phase of the interview process.
As the days turned to weeks, I soon began to lose faith. The next thing I knew, I had thrust myself into a full-on freak-out mode because things weren’t unfolding in a way that resembled anything I envisioned. Honestly, there was not one thing that matched how I played things out in my head.
As I reflect, I’m embarrassed to admit my reaction. Because I felt things were so far outside my control, I did the only thing I believed I could: take things into my own hands. If things weren’t going to work out in my favor, I would take the bull by the horns and take control, or so that was my initial intent.
As hard as it is to admit, let alone write what happened next, here goes. After not hearing back, I went to a hospital open house that had absolutely nothing to do with research. In fact it was far removed from my field of interest, was in a specialty that I had no interest, but in my mind it was a worthwhile move, as I had to take quick action to line up a plan B. Only I was fooling myself because there was absolutely nothing that excited me about this opportunity in the least bit.
Despite my better judgment, I went to a hospital open house, and reluctantly accepted a position site unseen, hoping this would be a viable plan B, but thankfully the universe had better plans. Thinking back, this had to be one of the dumbest things I could have done, and the moment I accepted my consciousness, didn’t for one second let me forget about it.
Instantaneously, I was riddled with fear, regret, and filed with rampant thoughts and retorts of WTF recycling through my mind. It was at this very moment I knew that I jumped the gun, as feelings of guilt, filled my awareness with every waking moment of the day.
Just when I thought that a good nights sleep would source a worthwhile respite, that was definitely not the case as feelings of regret continued to reverberate through my being 24/7, by the close of the first 24 hours post decision it was clear that if so valued my peace I had to resend my acceptance and source other opportunities. In these moments, it became crystal clear how little control we have over anything outside of how we respond to what unfolds within our life.
Enter the practice of surrendering, and its very nature can make one feel that relinquishing any felt sense of control would do nothing other than complicate things further. At least, this is how I felt in this instance. When we have made missteps, our consciousness can react in many ways. It can sometimes be a whisper to nudge us to go in a particular direction gently. At others, it can be a roaring loud reverberating, No, that inextricably pushes us to go in a completely different direction. Undeniably, this was a resounding no. Admittedly, I had no idea how things would pan out.
I knew I had to change course fast because I needed a good night’s sleep. Since I had yet to a hear back on the status of my application, I reached out and inquired regarding the status of my application, and just as soon as I stepped outside of my comfort zone to follow up, I was met with my worst fear. Due to a large number of interest and applications, the program had reached capacity, and my application would not be advanced to the next phase. I was blown away with disappointment, as there were absolutely no words that could express how I felt. As the days turned to weeks, I slowed and began to acclimate myself to accept my current reality.
Out of the blue, I received a call that there had been an opening in the program with an opportunity to meet and interview with three different groups. I was beyond pleased, grateful, and every other emotion that embodies gratitude. The next thing I knew, I could selectively choose where I wanted to work. This experience taught me so much about myself and life, mostly no matter how much we work, coerce and force things to work out in our favor, there is absolutely nothing we can humanly do to outpace the power of the universe.
In this case, surrendering to the unknown in spite of any objective evidence that proved otherwise. Objective evidence will not always appear as if things work out in our favor. However, remaining steadfast with our intention can attract the very things we are seeking to invite into our experience.
The Practice of Surrender
Contrary to popular belief, we are not our past heartaches, pains, disappointments, trauma, or any other complex undesirable things that may have flowed into our experience. We are spiritual beings having a human incarnation, meaning we are far more expansive than the roles we assume, the jobs we fill, and any other way we may humanly identify.
In other words, we are forever evolving and expanding every day. We are not the same person we were last year, last month, or even a week ago. Therefore, if we use yesterday’s experiences and reactivity as a gauge to predict how things will affect us in the future, we will inevitably restrict opportunities for growth and expansion. This is reminiscent of past romantic relationships. In the words of Jill Scott’s poignant song lyrics to “Cross My Mind,”
Remember all the moments for two?
How we used to
Oh yeah
But the reality, honestly, You were never good for me, and I was never good for you.
I remember what we used to do.
One can reminisce on past love and career missteps along the way, noting the joyful energy of love, spaces of harmony, and disharmony, all the while recognizing that it was a time long past that marks an entirely different iteration of you. The younger version of you that grew and evolved through the complexities, insecurities, and shortcomings, is not representative of your current self. Therefore, if one proceeds to use the past as a roadmap to build proverbial walls to protect oneself from getting hurt in the future , it enviably could block us from realizing all the good that rivals the desires of our hearts.
At some point or another, we all come to a degree of comfort and believe that if we used past lessons and experiences to build a series of limitations, and attained rules for engagement; we would actualize some felt sense of control over our life. Only, what we’ve done, and where we’ve been in life don’t translate into who we’ve yet to evolve.
Historically the notion of surrender has long been associated with giving up. Watch any old war-torn movie, and you’re sure to see the losing side raise a white flag in surrender. Only the rules of war don’t translate to the self. Beyond how we identify ourselves, or the roles we fill, we are multidimensional beings who are more expansive and capable of more extraordinary things than we may give ourselves credit for. Likewise, the practice of surrender requires us to release any conscious or subconscious resistance to what is.
We often limit and contract ourselves because the depth of our vision of based on outward appearances is too narrow to see what lies ahead. The practice of surrender is a release and a letting go of the past beliefs, practices, and habits that may have previously served us well. Unlike deep-engrained habits that are steadfast and static, life is an ever-changing dynamic that ebbs and flows with the unpredictability of life.
Likewise, what may have worked previously doesn’t necessarily translate to being an effective medium for today. Lean into the discomfort of releasing the very things that once made you feel safe, predictability of the familiar, and surrender yourself to the beauty of expectancy.
A 4-Step Approach to Using the Practice of Surrender to Release Control
It’s no secret that we’ve all fallen prey to believing that we have some degree of control over the people, events, and circumstances within our lives. Just as easy as it is to get pulled into the illusion of trying to control everything we possibly can within our lives, we can just as quickly imprison ourselves within a tight set of constraints that limit the degree of our growth and unfoldment. Here is a four-step approach to lean into the practice of surrender release control.
1. Take Stock of Where You Have Placed Your Attention
At any given moment, we can fall back into the habit of surrendering to the urge to control the ways we think, talk, respond, and interact with the world around us. Old habits die hard, making establishing new patterns all the more challenging. Understandably, old habits weren’t created overnight and will likewise take constant effort to dismantle.
Whenever you resist what is brought to the forefront of your awareness, take stock of where you are focusing, pause, breathe, accept what is, and redirect your attention back to your intended focus. In the case of surrender, release the habit to control how you interact with the world, and open yourself up to surrender to what you are seeking to express through you. Despite outward appearances, remain steadfast in your intentions.
2. Pause and Take A Few Deep Cleansing Breathes
Unlike our thoughts and habitual habits, the breath can only ever occur within the present moment. Leaning into this autonomic (aka automatic facility courtesy of the subconscious) facility supports us in reclaiming our attention and redirecting it away from old habitual patterns and back to the present moment. Likewise, being that everything is energy, it disrupts the thought pattern and calms the body, allowing you to regain volition over your awareness.
3. Still the Body
The mind and body are interconnected, meaning the more active the body, the more active the mind. The more you actively engage in engrained patterns, the more prone you are to contract and resist the practice of surrender. Calm the body, and you essentially calm the mind. This supports the body and mind to transition into a more restful calm state.
4. Revisit Your Intention
When we increase our awareness of all that is taking place in the present, stay present with all that is within the scope of our attention, release judgment and resistance, surrender, and accept what is. It frees us from the stress, strain, and discomfort of holding on to that which no longer serves.
Whether you consciously start your day with intention or not, the universal intent is to have life more abundantly. No one plans their day to be riddled with undue emotional pain, sadness, and suffering. Or prefers to amplify a felt sense of low vibrational thoughts and experiences.
Check in with yourself often as needed to assess whether your current thought pattern aligns with your intent. If the answer is no, pause, breath, and revisit it as often as need be. Allow yourself to tap into your imagination to feel the very feeling representing your intent (i.e., joy). The biggest obstacle is to feel into and persist in this feeling despite any thoughts that affirm otherwise.
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